Okay. So I’m Olive and I’ve been told to give you some advice on getting a guy – which is pretty dumb because I mean, hello, it shouldn’t be that hard. Boys are desperate. They’ll date anything that pokes them enough times.
You’ll have to forgive my friend, Felix. He insisted on coming. He’s super annoying.
I’m annoying? What about y-
Excuse me. This is my thing remember, not yours.
But it’s got to be a mistake. Who’s in charge here? You do realise Olive’s only had one boyfriend, right? You do know she’s …
Invisible. Yes. They know.
But it’s irresponsible. You don’t have a clue about boys.
I’ve watched a gazillion girls pick up a gazillion boys. I can do this. It’s dead easy.
You sound like a stalker.
Hello? Invisible! It’s not my fault if I can’t contribute to a conversation.
You weren’t invited to listen in to…
I’m so ignoring you. Okay, so first, people, you go to some place guys go, like parties, the beach, concerts … ooh – the library would be awesome. You could find some hot bookish boy …
Hot librarian? Have you been reading The Time Traveller’s Wife again?
YES. I’m simply spooney for Henry.
She wasn’t bad either, what was her name?
Clare. Do you like redheads? You don’t even know what red is.
She had a nice personality.
Ugh. You make me sick. Anyway, as I was saying: you go someplace where there are boys then you scan the crowd until you spot a boy, then you check they:
- Are taller than you
- Have enough fingers and thumbs
- Don’t have over-sized kneecaps
That list is offensive in so many ways.
What? Short guys are scary and a girl needs ten fingers to get a decent massage.
So oversized kneecaps?
Sorry. They’re just weird.
Oooh – that’s news! Anyway, then you go over and poke him. Preferably in the chest so you can do some preliminary muscle inspection, but anywhere will do. Like this.
Then say something. It doesn’t matter what because the boy isn’t listening to you, his brain is running a million miles an hour going, ‘OMG! OMG! It’s girl!’
So offensive. Olive. So offensive.
Ignoring you. The point is, it doesn’t matter what you say. ‘Hey. Do you have a car?’ will do. Actually, it’s perfect because then you’ll find out if he has a car.
I don’t have a car.
Exactly. Then add up his attractiveness factor, so you can decide if he’s worthy:
Add points for:
- An accent. A sexy one gets 5 points but one which makes you laugh gets 10
- Dimples you can stick your tongue into gets 5 points
- Interesting shoes gets 5 points
I have interesting shoes.
- If his mother bought them it’s minus 10
- Having a car, 20 points … Are you seriously sulking, Bub? Okay, if he’s blind it’s fine if he doesn’t have a car.
Aw shucks. You’re so sweet.
You know I’d plaster the moon in marzipan for you.
You’re making me blush. Hey, why can’t the girl have a car?
Wow. You’re right, Bub and I’m an idiot. If you’re not invisible, you should get a car – it’s far better than a boyfriend. A car won’t breakdown on you for ignoring it. It won’t be so needy it constantly demands filling up.
Actually, that’s exactly what a car does.
I was actually talking about Tom. *sigh*
I know you were talking about Tom. *sigh* But don’t. He’s a fool.
A hot Tomfool. *sigh* Oh no! I forgot the things you need to deduct points for!
I’m already at minus 10.
See? My system works. Deduct points for:
- Rancid breath
- A stupid laugh
- Hat wearers
Unless it’s cold and they’re wearing a super-cute beanie or they’re Holden Caulfield.
Also, saying ‘huh?’ and looking at you like someone who’s been lobotomised is a definite deal breaker.
Ignoring you. If he hasn’t swept you away to buy you a lemon pop by this stage, he’s probably an ass and you don’t want to kiss him anyway. But if you do, simply poke.
And say, ‘Come and get a lemon pop.’
You want a kiss? Ouch! I was kidding! Ouch! Okay, let’s get a pop. Just stop poking me!
Told you it works.
Olive and Felix are the stars of The Impossible Story of Olive in Love, by Tonya Alexandra. Olive knows she’s impossible – but likes herself that way. Good girls are so boring.