‘I do not know who I am anymore or where I have gone…’
Ariane Beeston is a child protection worker and newly registered psychologist when she gives birth to her first child – and very quickly begins to experience scary breaks with reality. Out of fear and shame, she keeps her delusions and hallucinations secret, but as the months pass Ariane gets worse. Much worse. Finally admitted to a mother and baby psychiatric unit, the psychologist is forced to learn how to be the patient.
With medication, the support of her husband, psychotherapy and, ultimately, time, Ariane rebuilds herself. And she also begins a new chapter working in perinatal mental health, developing resources to support other new mothers.
Because I’m Not Myself, You See is a candid, often humorous memoir of motherhood and madness, interwoven with research and expert commentary. It’s the story of the impossible pressures placed on new mothers and how quickly things can go wrong during ‘the happiest time of your life’. It’s also about life on the other side of serious illness, trying to make sense of what doesn’t make sense, and finding humour, beauty and joy when things don’t go according to plan.
Ariane Beeston was a staff writer at Fairfax Media’s Essential Baby and Essential Kids and has also published articles in The Sydney Morning Herald, Daily Life, Babyology and Mamamia. Ariane currently works for Australia’s peak body in perinatal mental health. Because I’m Not Myself, You See is her first book.
Wow. What a memoir. I was gripped from the beginning through to its heart-wrenching yet heartwarming end. Each chapter is aptly named with a corresponding quote beneath it. It foreshadows what is to come, weaving together each chapter and part of Beeston’s memoir seamlessly. I also appreciated the nod to Alice in Wonderland in the novel’s title and cover.
Beeston takes readers on many journeys here: new motherhood, changing family dynamics, her occupation in child protection and, of course, psychosis and mental health. Beeston has poured her heart and herself onto each page of this memoir, telling her story in a way that will change every kind of reader who stumbles upon it.
Whether you’re a mother or not, or have struggled with mental health or not, there’s so much to take away from Beeston’s story. Because I’m Not Myself, You See doesn’t shy away from brutal moments – but it’s raw and real, and shows the realities of approaching perinatal mental health. I appreciated that. With that said it’s also poetic and humorous, with plenty of joy, and shows the light at the end of what can be a very dark tunnel.
Thought-provoking and powerful, this is a frank, hopeful and darkly funny memoir of postpartum psychosis and recovery. I can’t recommend this enough.
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